so that wasnt chicken after all
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
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Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
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Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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