Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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