Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
