there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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