Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
