my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
What a dumb baby whore.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...