The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
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Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
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I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.