I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
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you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
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At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???