My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
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I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
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Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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