I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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