I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
