you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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