my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
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Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.