i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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