I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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