I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag