I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.