I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful