Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels