This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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