If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
