Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize