im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
