My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
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The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
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I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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