I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
