so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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