My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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