hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
