You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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