I wanna passion pit in your ass
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
