her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
