I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
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She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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