I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.