Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
