the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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