I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
