I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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