the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
