I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
