I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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