I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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