I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Send help, water and tortillas.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.