Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
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We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
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During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight