dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.