My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.