HIV tests are more positive than that guy
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful