she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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