I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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