I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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