well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
