The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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