Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
