I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
