u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
