i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize