So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
