Your face is a jimmy john
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"