Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped