Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
