So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.