Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.